Peter's Diary
by AshNox
Summary: The diary Peter Pettigrew kept in his school days.
1. Chapter 1

Dear Diary.

Hi. I'm sure we're going to get along great. I'm Peter Pettigrew. Last (currently) in a long line of Pettigrew's, and (currently) residing happily in my dorm room, in Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry (yep, I'm a wizard!).

Ah, another day, another sickle, another school year, in which to ponder the higher meanings of life, the universe, and why James Potter actually thinks it's funny to fill Sirius Black's pumpkin juice with woodlice.

Yup, you're a genius James! [Big thumbs up to you, you _moron_].

It's always important to laugh at James Potters jokes, unless you like being thumped hard on the arm. Twice.

Why twice? That is simple. If James Potter thumps you on the arm, (usually shouts _Dead Arm!_) and runs away (as if anyone would be stupid enough to chase him). Then Sirius Black is about to thump you on the arm (shout _Dead Arm!_) and run away, behind him.

Sirius Black, roommate no.2#. Elegant, arrogant, stupendously handsome and adored by all. Although Snivels probably doesn't like him much... and his mother hates him. But that's about it... Although, I have to point out, it's a bad sign if your own mother doesn't love you, isn't it? My mum thinks I'm the Grindylows' pajamas.

Sirius Black. Adored by all.

He walks and talks like Slytherin Royalty (he was raised for it). He looks the part, with silver eyes (if you can't imagine how freaky that is, find yourself a picture of a silver-eyed wolf or husky. This is not, in my very humble opinion, a remotely good look on a human being, but the girls love it). And the rest of him is all eye-pleasing Beater muscles, glossy black hair and a bit of a (don't quote me on this) girls face.

Ah yes, elegant Sirius Black. Unfortunately for him, his family has chucked him out, and little brother Reg is now the Black heir-in-waiting. This presumably has happened because Sirius is commitably insane, incapable of controlling his temper, occasionally psychotically violent, and most of all _doggish_.

Sirius has more reason than most to be 'doggish', but I'll get onto that later, dear Diary. The fact is, he looks like an elegant Adonis, but if you threw a stick he'd probably be compelled to chase it. Certainly if James Potter punched someone on the arm, he would just have to do it too. Occasionally he does demonstrate the more lovable (pathetic?) canine traits. He is doggedly (ha!) loyal, foolishly brave, and very (overly?) generous with his affection.

Siriously though, does anyone want a six foot excitable idiot, mauling them?

James Potter does not. He has long ago mastered the art of kicking Sirius off him, without lifting his head out of his homework. James will hex his best buddy senseless without a second thought, if he gets too annoying.

Sirius can take it (as I said, he's doggish). His heart breaks. He goes lie on his own bed, looking crestfallen. But if James whistles, all Sirius's birthdays have returned immediately, and he's happily back at James's side.

It doesn't matter. Sirius has worked out that James doesn't like Sirius drooling, mauling or lying on him (being hexed in the face gets that message across loud and clear). Remus Lupin (third and final dorm mate) has less choice. He is frequently ill (that I will also get later as well, dear Diary). So ill that he is an ideal companion, if you want to reside in someone else's personal space.

Tomorrow, Dead Diary, I will impart the secret of Remus Lupin. Until then, Good Night.


	2. Chapter 2

Dear Diary,

There are four weeks in Remus Lupins' month. (In everyone's month, you may be thinking, but Lupins' month is more defined than mine or yours).

Week one, when he is 'otherwise engaged'. 'Partying hard' we might say, and then recovering in the hospital wing (yup, partying _that_ hard).

Then there is week two, when he is dumped back in the dormitory, battered and exhausted. This is the week when he is vastly too ill to stop Sirius treating him like a chew toy/blankie/(possibly) outlet for sexual boredom.

Week three, Remus is fine. A good seven days of pretending he is quite normal. Just a perfectly normal student. Perfectly perfect. (It is a testament to how stupid most of the students are that they buy this.) (Remus is quite handy with a wand. This is the week for James's schemes and plans to be put into action).

Week four, Lupin is getting a bit feral. You or I, or even James Potter, would not be foolish enough to mess with him, this week. Sirius is foolish enough, but that is because Sirius is constantly feral, in much the same way. And constantly foolish.

In week four you're getting a lot of 'moon maddness. Suddenly it seems hysterical, to both Sirius and Remus, for Sirius to put their hand on a seat just before a girl sits down on it (any girl). It is the height of funny to lift skirts (any skirt), or for Sirius to push people; _just to watch them fall,_ preferably over things (Remus 'tying his shoelace') or down things [the stairs]. It is also (apparently) very funny to then joint manically apologies for any of these bad acts and continue to harasses their victim under the guise of 'helping' for as long as they are unable to get away.

James, who considers himself the pranking genuis, has no interest in this childishness. He plots more high-brow trouble, with his notepad and an evil smirk at his own greatness.

Oh, Week Four! Every month you arrive, before the insanity of the full moon. But, in the nature of all things monthly, the moon doth rise and back to Week One we go.

Week One, which involves a night of utter moon-madness, and then trips to the hospital wing for a week.

Week One, Sirius is morose. He supplies Remus with chocolate and hangs around in the hospital wing, enough to be annoying. He would probably be whining and shoving Remus with his nose, if James wasn't there to thump him. Maybe he makes visits alone to do so. I shudder to consider.

Just noticed how much of my diary is devoted to Sirius. Feel like ripping it out and starting again. I can't. The pages are numbered. Instead I will sum up.

Sirius Black is a dog-brained moron. That's all you need to know. A handsome moron, granted. Girls love him, and he'd probably hump anything in a skirt. No, anything that stand's still long enough, there doesn't need to be a skirt. It probably doesn't need to be human.

James Potter, self-appointed leader of the dormitory, of Gryffindor, and of the known universe.

Remus Lupin. A werewolf (obviously) posing as a mild-mannered student in a school of young witches and wizards.

These are my dorm mates.

P.S. There was a fifth one once.

I think James and Sirius may have killed him, or at least they got close enough to killing him for his parents to decide on homeschooling. Maybe Remus did _actually _kill him, and Sirius and James helped him hide the body. Hmmm? Don't know. Vaguely remember James transfiguring the bed into a pumpkin pastry the side of a boat, in our second year, and Sirius eating it. Almost all of it. I guess the House Elves cleared away the rest.


	3. Chapter 3

Dear Diary,

Thank God I have you to write to, diary, as my fellow Marauders (yes, they have named themselves) are _all_ on some level insane. I don't really blame Sirius, who is clearly _actually_ insane, or Remus, who is an actual werewolf. James, though, has no excuse at all.

James is currently 'toning himself down'. This is because he's found a girl that won't go out with him. James likes a challenge. The love-interest is (apparently) definitely and certainly going to fall in love with him if James can 'tone himself down'. This is because he is 'too awesome' for a sensitive (she isn't) girl to cope with.

There is another reason that Lily Evans (the love interest) doesn't like him. It's because he's a huge jerk, I hear you whisper, Diary. But no, more specific than that, it is because he has bullied her best friend, _relentlessly_, for the last six years.

As has Sirius, obviously, because Sirius follows James's lead like a big inane floppy puppy. When he isn't screaming about his insanity and foaming at the mouth, like his parents inbreeding has given him rabies.

He has been a bit screamy lately, but as I write this, he is lying on Remus's bed. Remus is in it, looking washed out, ill, and very uncomfortable. He is, we are all aware, bruised and in a lot of pain. This, Sirius has forgotten. I want to say that he doesn't care, but he probably does. But he's also most certainly forgotten. He is using his wand to Accio flies, releasing them, and then zapping them back to him. He is practicing 'precision attacks' for when he is an Aurora (or indeed top pest controller, on St. Mungos' mental health ward).

He is combining this worthwhile activity (fly catching) with leaning heavily against Remus (possibly meant to be comforting?). It looks very painful indeed. Remus is trying to sleep, but winces frequently (yes, I am watching – because it _is _quite funny) and grimaces in pain.

James is on his own bed (He likes his personal space). Glasses perched on his nose, he is creating a new plan to force (yes, the word he used was '_force'_) Lily Evans to her knees (not in a sinister way, I am hoping). So that she will gratefully accept his offer of love.

I am (supposedly) doing the homework. _All _the homework. Remus's because he is ill. James's, because he is busy with his important 'Forcing Love' Plan, and Sirius's because... I have no idea. Either he is also busy on the important business of Fly Hexing, or just because everyone else is lumping homework on me and he likes to copy everyone else. It is a hard life being me. I like writing to you, dear Diary. It is a little escape.

P.S. Sirius drank the woodlice Pumpkin Juice. He drank them originally in the evening, when he spat them over his own bed, making it uninhabitable. He didn't mind, he slept in Remus's bed. Lucky Remus! I am so glad Sirius doesn't do this to me. I attribute it to the fact that I am short and round, which means I take up more bed space than Remus, who is tall and thin. Also I get very bad gas, and even Sirius doesn't enjoy that! Who knew that was ever going to be a good thing?

So then he drank the woodlice Pumpkin Juice _again,_ first thing the next morning. And spat them over Remus who was still sleeping off the injuries of his transformation.

He then drank them (for the last time) when we came back to the dorm between lessons, when he just snatched a quick swig, spat them on all of us, and threw the cup at my head. Sirius is a good shot. He's a Beater in our house Quidditch team. There is a bruise and it still hurts.

P.P.S. Ha! I forgot to mention _why_ The Marauders are insane. You will see, Diary, when I explain the latest sure fire way to Lily Evans's heart, tomorrow.


	4. Chapter 4

Dear Diary,

We have started on 'The Plan'.

I am again doing homework (obviously I am actually writing to you, dear Diary, but James _believes _I am doing homework). _His_. Remus is now well enough to take over doing Sirius's homework.

Remus, bless him, has not pointed out that I clearly spent yesterday doing nothing other than writing my own diary and laughing each time Sirius's fly catching made him dig an elbow into one of Remus's bruises.

Remus (apart from being a werewolf) is the most likeable of my fellow Marauders. This is not, admittedly, a large complement, but I often think that when the tables finally turn and I get the opportunity to systematically thump James and Sirius every time they do something that I didn't like, I will probably leave Remus in peace. Well, I might. He is a bit of a sycophant. But then, he would probably say the same thing about me. We have to live with Sirius and James after all. The difference though is I think Remus actually likes them.


	5. Chapter 5

Dear Diary,

I am writing this in detention. Have I done anything wrong? Nope. Have the Marauders? Obviously. All of them? Of course not.

Remus is reading a book. I don't feel very sorry for him. He likes reading. He probably likes detentions. In detention he can read without Sirius or James bothering him. James and Sirius are passing notes, like eleven year olds. They are very bored. That is my only pleasure.

Why, you may wonder, am I stuck in detention? It began with the plan. A brilliant unfailable plan (Yes, James's words obviously) to make Lily Evans say 'YES!'

So there was a quiet afternoon in the sunshine. There was an innocent bystander who was unfortunate enough to be liked by Lily Evans. And then there was a bad incident with the hanging of Lily's friend upside down. There was soap in the mouth, the threat of exposed genitals and much cruel-ness and humiliating of Lily's friend.

Weirdly this brilliantly master minded plan did not end with Lily chuckling delightedly and sticking her tongue down James's throat. It ended with us all sitting here in detention. It ended with Lily crying, her friend probably emotionally scarred for life, and me being passed a folded parchment that reads in James messy writing and Sirius's freakishly perfect calligraphy…

James: **What went wrong?!**

Sirius: _Don't know, mate._

James: **It seemed so perfect. Why didn't she say yes?**

Sirius: _I don't know, Prongs._

James: **She should have said yes! Girls are mental.**

Sirius: _Girls are mental, James._

James: **I'm not giving up. I'll use this time to come up with a better plan.**

Sirius: _Good idea, mate. I'm bored._

James: **I'm bored too.**

Sirius: _I'm so bored I could chew my own arm off._

James: **Stop doing that Sirius.**

Sirius: _I'm so bored I could cry. Throw something at Moony._

James: **I'm too bored to throw something at Moony. And I haven't got anything to throw.**

Sirius: _But I'm so so bored._

James: **Throw something at Wormtail.**

Sirius: _Throw Wormtail at Moony._

James: **He's too fat. I might break Moony.**

Sirius: _I'm so bored I could kill myself. Yell Moony for me, Prongs._

James: **It's detention. We're not allowed to yell.**

Sirius: _Throw something at him._

James: **I don't have anything to throw at Moony, Padfoot!**

Sirius: _Yell him then._

James: **I am going to yell at you in a minute. Throw this at Wormtail.**

James to Wormtail – **do something interesting, or I'll Crucio you.**

Sirius: _And I will._

Oh yes, that is the note I have just been throw, Diary. It sucks to be me. Sirius and James are both watching, brightly. I am trying to think...

Right. I have just written that I have a brilliant plan that will guarantee Lily Evans will go out with James. That's shut them up. You are probably thinking I had better start thinking fast, but there is no need, Diary of mine, for I do indeed have a plan. A stupendous plan, which will get James _exactly_ what he deserves.


End file.
